30-year-old stepmom refuses to adopt her 12-year-old stepdaughter because she doesn't think they're close enough: 'Her mom passed when she was 2! This woman is the only mother she's got.

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Aug 10, 2025 8:00 AM EDT

Whether a stepparent will adopt their stepchild has a lot to do with their specific family situation. If the mom has been raising her daughter on her own since the day she was born, and she marries her daughter's stepdad during her daughter's childhood, he might be a good candidate for adopting her. He has been the most stable father figure in her life, and it's not like he's taking a title away from somebody who particularly deserves it. If a mom and a dad divorce and share custody of their children equally, and both get remarried, their respective spouses might not feel like it would be appropriate to adopt their stepchildren when they have two incredibly involved parents already. Or maybe their stepkids would accept their adoption with open arms! It truly depends on each family's circumstances. 

Many stepparents wish to adopt their stepkids, but what about the stepkids who want their stepparents to adopt them? 

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  • A little girl holding a banana in her hand
    via Fellipe Ditadi (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • The young girl in this story desperately wants her stepmom to adopt her, but her stepmom refuses to because she doesn't think they have a close enough mother-daughter relationship. Did I mention that this girl lost her mother when she was 2, and her stepmom has been in her life since she was 8?

  • AITAH for refusing to adopt my stepdaughter?

    I'm 30f and my husband is 34m and my stepdaughter is 12. My stepdaughter mom d d when she was 2 and I came into her life when she was 8. We have a close relationship i feel its a normal step parent relationship she doesn't call me mom and thats okay I want her to whatever shes comfortable with. These past few
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • weeks shes been asking if I would adopt her, apparently she had talked with my husband and he told her that it would be a good idea to ask me. I told her to let me think about it, I asked my husband why he thought it was a good idea if I adopt her, basically he said that it will make her feel like shes family and it won't make her feel different from our kid. I
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • A little boy that's walking in the dirt
    via Jordan González (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • told him that the kids not even here yet so if thats the case then let her therapist talk to her about before the kid gets here. He asked why I didn't want to adopt her, I told him that me and her aren't on that level yet and she doesn't call me mom and has never really treated me like a real mom more of like a bonus adult if
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • she needs one and I said thats fine but if I adopt her that means im her mom and if she doesn't see me as a mom then why adopt her. I told her that i wouldn't adopt her and she was sad and started crying and asked why I told her that she doesn't really see me as a mom and that if we got closer in the future then I will but I think she need to
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • understand what shes asking first. She went and told her grandmother on her moms side and they said that it was disrespectful of my husband to even say it was a good idea, while his family think I should just do it to make the girl feel apart of the family. I really dont know but if you have advice please give it and aitah?
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • Edit: I dont know if I put this in my post but the main reason I won't adopt her is because I dont feel shes asking me to adopt her for the right reason, I think shes asking because she doesn't wanna feel left out not because she wants me to be her mom. Also she has other mother figures some people don't count
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • grandmother and aunt as one but I do as they have done a lot of motherly things with her, and have done things a mother would do. Also I never said adoption was off the table it just mainly is for now until she gets older and understands it more and want me to because she sees me as a mom.
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • Edit2: since a lot of people didn't understand what I mean when I say she doesn't treat me like a mom. It's like if she was old enough to go wedding dress shopping she wouldn't pick me for that she would go to her aunt and grandma and nothing is wrong with that as im not her mom so she doesn't have to go with me, but I know if I had my
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • A woman sitting at a table with a plate of food
    via Brock Wegner (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • own daughter that's a mother daughter experience I want. So stuff like that for things you go to a mom for she goes to them and nothing wrong with it but if she was my daughter i would expect her to go to me. Also people asked do I see her as my daughter and the answer is kinda, I do but I also see her as a step daughter. I also saw that feeling
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • left out is a reason to get adopted, but in my opinion its not for example last year she was upset that we went by my mom for Christmas and she went by her mom's parents and she felt left out, so we said every other Christmas she could come with us and she was happy. If I adopted her that wouldn't have fixed the issue at all if would've just put a
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • band aid on it and she still would've felt left out. So if she feels like she doesn't belong I'd rather figure out why she feels that way rather than adopt her and she still feels that way. Also her calling me mom I assume if I adopt her she would call me mom as I would be her mother but if she didn't it would be okay.
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • And last thing I didn't tell her I wouldn't adopt her i said not right now and maybe later when shes like 15-20 and older and we may have a closer relationship, and we have already planned to do a family therapy session again and she's in therapy. Also shes 12.
    via u/Rare-Ranger4056
  • Tall-Charge-4150 Agree with grandmother. Should have been discussed with all adults before she was told to go and ask you....
    via u/Tall-Charge-4150
  • HarperStrings And since OP can't control what her husband does or change the way he handled it, she should have had a talk with the stepdaughter about why she wants this and what she is hoping for in the situation. It looks like OP did a lot of assuming without actually speaking to the stepdaughter, which is just always a recipe for disaster.
    via u/HarperStrings
  • It's possible the stepdaughter genuinely wants to have a mother-daughter relationship with the stepmom but is worried about rejection or that the stepmom doesn't view her that way. This fear would be amplified by the new baby on the way- -a "real" child for the stepmom. A fear OP accidentally just confirmed, whether intentional or not. And how did the discussion between the husband and stepdaughter come about? Did husband recommend it out of the blue or was the stepdaughter talking to him about
    via u/HarperStrings
  • Glittering_knave This seems like an excellent time to talk with a family therapist. Everyone is making assumptions and no one is talking, so maybe finding a safe space and a neutral third party could help.
    via u/Glittering_knave
  • 2dogslife There's mention of a therapist and they should absolutely be reaching out and finding out if sessions with the parents (as a couple or individually) are in order, so they can approach this delicate issue with the treatment it deserves. Right now Dad set everyone up to fail and it's going to take work to fix it all.
    via u/2dogslife
  • ScumbagLady This fear would be amplified by the new baby on the way--a "real" child for the stepmom. A fear OP accidentally just confirmed, whether intentional or not. YES. Saw that when she mentioned "our kid" instead of saying "our other kid" or "our other kid that's on the way". 12 is a hard age. Lots of emotions and changes happening and on top of that a new baby is on the way? It's hard for even bio children to not feel like they're about to be forgotten when a baby is on the way, much more
    via u/ScumbagLady
  • Honestly, what would it hurt to say yes and adopt her? Oh she doesn't call you "mom" and you don't think she'd pick you to help pick a wedding gown? Oh you're definitely not going to be the first choice now after confirming her fears about where she stands in the family. Shame on OP for ostracizing this child. I think it's clear why she doesn't call her "mom" because from what I've read she definitely isn't being treated like a daughter.
    via u/ScumbagLady
  • chicagok8 I feel so sorry for that kid.
    via u/chicagok8
  • hrnigntmare Same. This post made me so sad, and then seeing all the edits trying to explain why they are being so cruel to a child when they got pushback made me want to adopt that kid. YTA and you have irreparably harmed a little kid because of it. You're gonna justify it somehow but I hope it sinks in at least partially
    via u/hrnigntmare
  • FantasticStrain8940 Don't be that stepmom. I had one and my dad had a kid with her and I felt super left out. She treated me differently and was meaner to me. Her boys could do no wrong and speak no lies. I resented her. I had a kid and she was with them and the boys molested her. Long story short they're in prison and my dad divorced her but he still "misses her" and she did no wrong. Dude she allows it. Don't be that if the kid wants you to adopt her and be her mom. Do it. It's not weird. Edit
    via u/FantasticStrain8940
  • gagagagaNope "I think shes asking because she doesn't wanna feel left out" Wanting to be on equal standing in your family is an incredibly valid reason. She's 12, she looks up to you. Think very carefully about what happens next.
    via u/gagagagaNope
  • KurosakiOnepiece Why do y'all marry people with kids, after telling her no do you really think you will get closer to her? If anything you probably just nuked it
    via u/KurosakiOnepiece
  • jaderust "I don't feel like this 12 year old's mother." Kid literally asks her to be her mother. "I think she's asking me to be her mother for the wrong reasons." SHE'S TWELVE. Her mom d d when she was 2! She literally has no memories of having a mother! This woman is the only thing she's got and... I have to walk away from this post. I freaking love kids and know I'm too messed up and not in a situation where I could ever have them and then I see idiots like this literally traumatizing children
    via u/jaderust

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adopt family drama stepmother adoption stepmom wife bad parenting bad parents parenting stepdaughter adopted husband family daughter mom Parenting Fail
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